Oh Deer...

Well tuesday night was very...interesting.

Since our dance class had been cancelled due to mid-terms, Liz and I headed over to Star and Eric's to assess what work needed to be done in order to render the basement area into a livable area. ((On that note if anyone knows how to do handy things like put up walls, doors, and drywall let us know since we would love some competent help))

Unfortunately for us, Kestrel was not there having stayed with Jeff watching her after Star got back from her doctor's appointment. Instead I was forced to sate myself on the company of Aria and 'Sana. Which mostly consisted of vigorous hugging and a half hour of the 'Hat' game which consists of 'Sana thwapping a hat onto my head and announcing "AT" then removing it and repeating.

While we had originally intended to practice dancing we received an invitation to go out to the movie "Shall we Dance?". Watching a movie about ballroom dancing seemed a viable alternative to actually ballroom dancing and since both Liz and I had been fairly anti-social for the last couple weeks we decided to go. The movie was entertaining, though so heavy handed at times that it was painful. The dance scenes were well coreographed and very beautiful though I think it would have benefitted from more distant shots allowing you to see the couple dancing rather than the close-ups on their chest and heads. Though we spent the movie looking for them neither Liz nor I were able to spot Dominique or Delphine (our dance instructor and his partner) in any of the scenes, though I did find some pictures of them on set at their website for those who were wondering what they looked like.

After the movie our departure to get Liz home and to sleep was delayed slightly. First Jeanne-Marie, understandably, had a bit of a breakdown about the fact she is no longer capable of dancing due to her knee's. Then we detoured a bit to drop Myrna off at home. Neither of these were particularly large delays but they did add up when you are looking at a (blech) 4:30 start. After dropping Star off as well and saying hello to Eric and James we finally got headed home. Along the way we debated whether or not we should go to Liz's place or mine. Eventually we decided that since mine was a bit closer we could net nearly an extra hour of sleep between arriving that evening and the time saved driving Liz to work in the morning.

This was a mistake - the spiteful gods of irony seem to have it out for me.

Not more than 300 meters past the exit ramp we would have used to go to Liz's apartment we had an accident. One moment we were driving along and the next the headlights were filled with a deer as it rushed up to meet us. I must say that I am amazed at how fast a mind actually works because in the paltry seconds between first seeing the deer and hitting it I managed to have a complete line of reasoning. I considered trying to swerve out of the way and discarded the notion as foolish since we would still hit the deer and then crash into the ditch which probably would hurt us even more.

The whole incident in my mind is like watching a slide show:
Slide 1: a darkened highway, framed by snow - visible in the cone of my headlights.
Slide 2: a young doe, perhaps two years old, stands in the center of the lane. her head turned to look our direction.
Slide 3: the moment before impact the doe hasn't moved. she stands there with a confused look in her eyes. Liz screams.
Slide 4: the crumpling of metal. the doe is upside down, her light brown fur is pressed into the windshield.
Slide 5: darkness. the pounding of my heart. silence.

We just sat there in the dark and quiet for a moment. I presume I pulled over and stopped but I actually don't remember doing that. Our hands melded together. Finally Liz asked if I was ok. To her credit she didn't belt me for pointing out the obvious when I replied "I think I just hit a deer". Then I did what any responsible adult would - I called my Mummy. Eventually I made all the calls I had to - AMA was coming to collect the car, my mother was coming to collect us, and the police said to come by during office hours and fill out a report. I also learned something very important about myself - when I have a great deal of adrenaline running through my body I lose the ability to deal rationally with people who piss me off. For reference in case this isn't obvious to anyone - when a car is pulled off a cold, dark road with it's four-way flashers on it isn't there for it's health or fun, nor is it there to personally offend you, SO DON'T FUCKING HONK AT IT!!!

As for the deer it is somewhat unfortunate that she survived the initial impact. She lay in the snowy ditch struggling to pull herself out. Either when the car swiped out her legs or in the hard landing after bouncing over us, she had broken both her hind legs. She flailed about unable to accept what I realised as soon as I saw her after the collision - she was already dead and just had to wait for that fact to catch up to her. I wish I had a rifle with me so that I could have ended her pain there instead of leaving her to lie slowly freezing to death with the agony of a shattered body. I am a pacifist, I don't like the idea that I have hurt another living being - I can't even eat meat if I allow myself to think about how most of those animals were killed. And here I was having just taken a life. Never mind that I couldn't have avoided it - I still felt terribly guilty. Then when I began wondering if this was the same doe who just weeks before had so thrilled Kestrel at Thanksgiving when I held her up high on the deck to watch her grazing the black currents, it just made things worse.

Eventually my mother came and picked us up and drove us back to our house. The adrenaline had worn down and now I found myself ravenously hungry, despite the fact that the accident left my stomach churning. By the time Liz and I ate and dragged ourselves down to bed it had past 12:30 - so much for the idea that coming to my place would net us extra sleep.

By morning I was feeling somewhat better - not very well rested as visions of deer rushing towards me had kept waking me up. My sheets were soaked with sweat, and to Liz's credit she didn't even complain - she just took me in her arms and told me that it would be ok. We got ready and ate breakfast before heading out to take Liz to work. Thankfully my father had left for a week to North Carolina so I was able to steal his car, since I don't know how we would have worked it otherwise.

It was still dark as we departed. The sun knew that there was no point waking before 8 and so it left us fools in the shadows. Our route took us back down the same road as the collision had happened the night before. Almost exactly a kilometer closer to my home my heart nearly stopped. Out of the other ditch bounded a young buck - leaping across the lane to land dead in front of me. This time my super fast internal monologue decided to try and avoid this collision since he was moving and I actually had a chance. Swerving into the other lane I narrowly avoided adding an additional white-tail to my guilt by less than a foot.

As I pulled the car back into our lane I was left shaking. Terror, relief, or something else I'm not sure. I dealt with this surprisingly less well than the actual accident, retreating into the comfortable distance of joking about it and talking about other things. But I was still shaking that afternoon. It's silly to be more bothered by the accident that didn't happen rather than the one that did but yet I am.

This morning I took another route to get to school. After all the buck might be waiting there...